HOW TO HAVE That CONVERSATION IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP

New relationships are fraught with awkward moments and sensitive topics to navigate and find out if you and your new beau are compatible. Many a fledgling relationship has come unstuck when the conversation turns to politics, religion, family values and relationship history. Then, there’s THAT conversation – money.

It’s a topic that can cause drama at any stage in a relationship, being a huge factor is separation and divorce. So before you get anywhere close to combining your finances through marriage or living together, take time to figure out whether you are financially compatible!

When you first start dating it’s pretty awkward to ask “how much do you earn?” but you don’t need to be that blunt. There are plenty of clues to a person’s financial situation and, more importantly, their attitude towards fiscal matters, if you know where to look. But before you shine the light on your new partner’s wallet, think about your own attitude towards money and how well you manage your finances.

If you have a solid income and manage your own finances well, do you have an expectation that your partner will be in a similar financial position? If you’re used to spending money on eating out, travel, fashion, would a partner with less cash cramp your style? A financially challenged partner can mean you continually foot the bill, or miss out on activities you enjoy. Either can lead to resentment and arguments.

If your finances are a mess, are you looking for someone in the same situation who understands, or someone to swoop in and rescue you? Some partners may enjoy being the main breadwinner, while others may judge you for not being able to ‘adult.’ You may be able to learn from your partner’s financial prowess, but there’s a risk that your opposing attitudes will cause conflict longer term.

Of course, that’s not to say that a new partner won’t want to impress on the first few dates and treat you. Just be careful not to take their generosity for granted and expect never to pick up the tab. On the other hand, if a date is constantly letting you pay or is meticulous in splitting the bill, watch out! This could be a sign they are broke, or mean.

Finances subtly come up in conversation all the time – we talk about jobs, where we live, our hobbies, travel and all of the other stuff that costs money. So, if your date seems to have an active life, chances are they are doing well financially and are not afraid of spending. If on the other hand, they seem to do very little and appear stressed at the arrival of the bill, they may well have money troubles, and it’s a good idea to find out more before getting serious.

While it may sound mercenary to let money talk in a new relationship, there are plenty of horror stories about women being taken in by their new love and finding themselves married to a lot of debt. This could be from business deals gone bad, divorce, gambling issues, school fees, or just having an extravagant lifestyle they can’t afford. If your partner has children from a previous relationship, chances are they have financial obligations that may take a large chunk of their earnings.

So, before you bring up the conversation, look for the clues and try to corroborate what your partner is telling you with how they actually behave – their clothes, house, car, friends, colleagues will all help you to build a financial snapshot.

The best way to introduce the subject is when your relationship develops to the point you are talking about your future together. If you have similar (realistic) ideas about what life could look like, it’s not too big a stretch to gently say “I’d like that, could we afford it?” Anyone serious about you and open to sharing their life with you will appreciate an honest conversation to figure out where you both stand financially and to start to set some financial goals together. If they can’t open up to you on such an important topic, question whether they (and therefore you) are ready for serious commitment.